Blackkitty1819's Journals

Blame Everyone But Me For This Mess : part 13

i woke up with a terrible ache in my neck. i had fallen asleep, still kneeling, and laying my head on casey and my hands, which were still together, and now if i tried to turn my head, it would hurt like hell! i felt like if i turned my neck it would break. but i was able to shake it off. i stood up, not letting go of casey's hand, stretched and turned and looked over to see pete and dani sitting next to each other, sleeping. dani had her head on petes shoulder, and pete was leaning on danis head. i shouldnt wake them, but i kinda had to. just thinking to walk, i felt my hand being squeezed. when i looked over caseys eyes were open, and staring at me. she smiled.

"morning." she whispered to me.

i kneeled back down next to her, " morning. how are you feeling?"

"okay i guess. i wasnt really all banged up yesterday.how are they holdin up?" she guestured towards everyone.

"okay. i think its safe to say everything is all back to normal."

"thats good. maybe then all this happening was a good thing." she said looking hopeful, but then she coughed and it went away.

"apparantly not on yours or ashlis part." she nodded, "you hungry?"

she looked at me undecided, "not starving. but i could use something to eat. you?"

i am starving, which is why im asking you! i thought, trying to hold back a smile and a laugh. "okay i guess. want me to get you something to eat from the caf?"

she shook her head, " no thanks thats alright... but they're gonna serve us in about 30 minutes. can you wait til then?"

"maybe.anyways... erm, whats on tv?" i asked not her in particular and grabbed the remote and got on the bed next to her, careful not to unplug anything or whatever. i turned on the tv and flipped through the channels. my stomach was growling, but i ignored it. for now i could wait i guess.

when i woke up, i saw that sonny was laying next to casey on the bed, and that they were both sleeping. i looked over to ashli, and then billie. still asleep too. then i looked at dani, who had her head resting on my shoulder. i shook her, trying to wake her up.

"mmm-ugh." she slowly opened her eyes, and looked up at me.

"mug?" i said laughing.

"what?" she asked staring up at me with half closed eyes.

i shook my head, "nothing. you okay?"

she looked around, " yeah. why?"

"just asking... you hungry?"

"yeah. you?"

"i could use a bite."she smiled leaning into me and softly bit my neck, " ow! i didnt mean literally." she only laughed.

"mmm, what do we do now?" she said getting up to stretch, and then yawn.

"mmm, i dunno." i said in the same tone she used. she rolled her eyes, i just smiled at her. "we can wait for them to get up. or wait for everyone to come."

"well..."she looked at the clock," i guess we can go to the cafeteria. and then come back when everyones awake. looks like theres no point in waking them."she said pointing to casey and sonny, then to ashli and billie.

"yeah lets go." i got up and just as dani opened the door, the nurse had her fist up ready to knock.

"oh...uh excuse me, are they awake?"

dani shook her head, " nope. but good luck, in waking them up." the nurse smiled and we left.

the cafeteria was practically empty when we got there. dani found a seat and i went to go get us some trays. when i came back, dani had her head laying on her arms which were crossed on the table. "you okay?" i asked her again.

she lifted her head, " hmm? oh yeah." she sniffed.

"you sure?" i set down her tray in front of her and sat down.

" yeah its just that..." she shook her head and stared into her lap. "i was so... mean to ashli yesterday and...i-i...oh God i just feel so selfish. i had gotten mad at her, for this because she "broke her promise". just because i was thinking only of...of me.i-i..." she shook her head again," if she wasnt here today...if she had died... oh my God i am the worst friend ever!" she put her head in her hands and started crying.

"dani," i put my arm around her, "your not a bad friend. you wouldve never known this was going to happen. and thank God shes fine. casey too. its not your fault for anything..." well i didnt know how much that was true, i mean i wasnt exactly there to witness what happened and everything said...so i honestly cant exactly take sides.

"but pete, i was mean to her! instead of supporting her like a good friend does, i just...i just feel like... shit. i was mean to her pete. i was. and you dont have to say anything to make me feel better, 'cause its not gonna work. im sure casey and ashli blame me both for being a bitch."

i was about to say something to make her feel better, when i looked up and saw sonny standing there. "im not sure how ashli feels, but im sure that casey doesnt blame you for much. i mean you werent the one in the other car that hit them yesterday."

she looked at him then away. " it doesnt matter. i was a bitch to ashli. and thats the reason they should blame me of. being a bad friend."

sonny sat down in front of us, "dani, are you gonna hate yourself for the rest of your life on how you were a "mean friend" to ashli? i mean come on, this is like the first time ever ive seen you do anything to ashli... you're not a bad friend. and sometimes you won't be a perfect friend, or even a good one. there is no such thing as a perfect friend dani."

"did you read that off of a greeting card or something?" dani said sarcastically, just as i was thinking it.

he rolled his eyes," well...actually yeah. it was this card that i got on my birthday from za-matt!"

she looked at him confused, "za-matt?"

he scratched his head, "uh yeah... i mean, uh thats what we used to call matt...matt good!" he laughed uneasy and scratched at the back of his head.

after carefully thinking it over, i figured out what he had meant. from zacky.the card he had gotten with that saying, was from zacky. he just didnt want to say it in front of me. and reffering to matt, he meant matt from avenged sevenfold. aka m.shadows... see a long time ago, from first to last and avenged sevenfold used to be good friends. all of them. especially sonny and zacky. but... i dont know exactly what happened, (i never asked and dont want to), but they got into a huge argument and broke the friendship. right around the time dani and zacky split up. so i dont know if that has anything to do with it but... i have my own opinions. but i dont want to get into it with dani. i dont really want to ask, and im sure she really doesnt want to tell me.

i shook off the disgust i had even thinking about zacky,

"uh...well, everyones awake and here now...if ya'll wanna come back and see em." he finally said. he got up and started walking towards the exit.

"weird." dani said shaking her head once more.

"you ready to go back in there?" i asked her still trying to get zacky's picture out of my mind.

she took a deep breathe in, "as i'll ever be." she smiled slightly.

"well them c'mon." i picked up our trays and threw them in the trash, (they were those generic paper ones, like the paper plates), since we had both lost our appetites. and then me and dani walked slowly back to the room.

i put my hand on the door nob and looked at her, she nodded and i opened it. everyone was there, everyone. sonny was by casey's left side, and erika on the other. billie was by ashli's right side and marj on the other. derek and ryan were sitting in the chairs that me and dani were sleeping in and even brendon was there and sitting on the other side of ryan. i looked at dani and saw that she was looking at her feet. i grabbed her hand and led her to casey first, hoping that nothing would happen right then and there in front of everyone, because only me, casey, dani, and brendon, and maybe billie knew about ashli... i still dont know how they were gonna tell everyone else, just then the nurse walked in...

when dani and pete came in, dani didnt look anywhere near me or casey. or anyone. pete had grabbed her hand and was walking towards casey first. and then the nurse had to come in.

"well... uh hello there." needless to say she seemed surprised by everyone suddenly being there, "well young ladies, you both are gonna be fine." only pete, casey, dani, and (for some reason) brendon let out a sigh of relief. "miss casey," she flipped to a page in her clipboard, "uh yes, lets see, only minor injuries. a few big bumps and bruises, but you'll be able to leave here later on today." she came over to me and my heart sped up. "miss ashli, " she flipped to the next page, "lets see, um, a few injuries, minor also, bumps and bruises as well, oh and also, we have to ask you about something. regarding your preg-" oh God! i thought, this is not how i wanted to tell everyone, especially billie. just as she was about to finish, dani said, "um when do they get to leave?" she had a panicked yet calm expression on her face. she looked over at me, then at casey, then back at the nurse.

"oh, um... later on today as soon as you check her out and we do the usual processes..." dani nodded, and then the nurse hesitated, and then akwardly left. casey looked over at dani who was staring into her lap. thank you i thought.

ashli better thank me for this! i thought as i stared into my lap nervously.

"well im beat." brendon said getting up all of a sudden."im sorry guys but i gotta get goin. i'll see you guys later. and ryan dont forget to call next time you run off. you scared the shit out of us." ryan only smiled and nodded, "hope ya'll guys feel better casey and ashli. see ya bitch," he said pointing at pete who just lasghed. and then to me he said, "good luck with that... thing, y'know." i nodded and he waved to everyone, "peace."

"bye." everyone said.

"well im sorry but im a bit tired too. i think we'll be waiting back at the hotel." erika said and derek got up.

"yeah me too." marj said hugging ashli, then casey, " im glad ya'll are okay." she nodded and went to the door, " rye you coming?"

he thought a minute, "yeah." he got up.

after they said all their goodbyes and gave hugs to ashli then casey, or vice versa, they left, leaving only me, pete, sonny, and billie.

"why'd you do it?" casey said to me all of a sudden. "i thought you couldnt take this and couldnt talk to her anymore. i thought you thought she made a huge mistake, that you'll see us." she stared at me.

i just looked up at her and said, " i only said-"

" i know what you said. we both know what you said." sonny and billie looked at us confused.

"casey come on. leave her alone she was... confused. she didnt know what to think. its not her fault. she just overreacted is all." pete said putting his hand on my back. sonny and billie looked at pete now, confused even more probably.

"pete, you weren't there. so you cant say anything okay. so just shut up okay?"

"dont fucking talk to him like that! he didnt do shit." i said, already pissed off.

"hes sticking up for you when he doesnt even know shit." she shot back.

"that doesnt give you a reason to act like a bitch casey!"

"and what gave you the reason to act like a bitch, back then?"

"i wasnt acting like an exact bitch casey. nothing compared to the way you're acting now."

"and im not acting any way, so dont fucking tell me-"

"just shut the hell up already!" ashli said covering her ears. everyone looked over at her. she brought them down. "casey shut the fuck up!"

"bu-"

"you are acting like a bitch now! and dani you were acting a like a bitch then! just both of you shut up! its not caseys fault for anything, dani. and dani did overreact and was confused casey. and yeah you didnt have to say that to pete." pete looked down and then back at ashli who went on, "look," her voice was a bit hoarse and raspy, "billie... you know i love you right?" he nodded, "billie...billie im ... im pregnant."

Freedom/Chaos Quoi Jamais by Thalia

Freedom is something every person in the world seems to crave, with exception to those few who don't know what it means, or really enjoy their five by five windowless cement cell for all eternity. In today's world when you ask, say, an average teenager "What is Freedom?" you are likely to get a reply somewhere along these lines: "Freedom is the ability to do what you want, when you want and never being reprimanded. Freedom is where everyone has a right to their own opinion and has the ability to express it. Freedom is where no one is wrongly accused and everyone is, well... free." No, wait a minute, that's chaos!
In this day and age, the meaning of freedom has become blurred, and in some cases, changed all together. Freedom now means anything we don't have... like oil. Only joking! (but not really) Americans are said to be "free," but somehow everyone is unhappy in one way or another. Does this mean "American liberty" is not what we think? or does it mean no knows, ever has or ever will understand this word/concept and it shouldn't really be a word.
Freedom of the press is something that really bothers me. When a bunch of old, rich white men wrote that bit in the Constitution about freedom of the press, did they really compensate for tabloids? I think not. "Liza Minelli marries two-headed Elvis clone on Space Needle Thursday" is probably not the type of title they had in mind. How is prying into the lives of celebrities, both living and dead, honoring said freedom? I really don't care who broke up with who or how long it takes Harrison Ford to get it off. It is none of my frickin business!
This must-know-everything disease has infected television to a startling degree. Survalence tapes of Jennifer Lopez gardening on today's... Ahhhhhh!!!!!!!! No wonder the human race has the problems it does! Half the mental capacity of this country is filled with things like that, and for those who are actually watching that garbage instead of doing something constructive, they have no brain function happening at all.
To be fair, the information age is at its best and medical, technological, and communication in general have been both constructive and destructive in many ways. I simply feel everything is going too fast and running off the tracks into who-knows-what, but all I know is that we ain't coming back.
Peace and love wherever you find it.

The Party's Over, GO Home! by Etc Etc

I really don't see why we bother to lobby in summits or welcome delegations for the sake of international negotiations and affairs. really, it seems that the whole concept of international relations was scrapped with the introduction of the nuclear age, at a point where we no longer had to satisfy the habitually greedy race of homo sapiens which are plaguing the Earth. the reason for this is, we no longer have to offer bribes or treaties to opposing nations; we simply annihilate them and salvage any culture and resources that catch our attention. And still we attempt to offer lessons in futility and time consumption, under the false name of international interest and necessity. While I believe that our technological capabilities should not have progressed past the invention of paper or at most the musical instruments we encounter every day. but even time has shown that long before we decided to blow through a curved or straight metal pipe, we shad the sword, the axe, and many other implements of power and suffering. So the only intelligent course of action would be to revert modern civilization to before the time we would destroy enemies or animals with sticks and even stones (is that even possible?). alas, i have been wasting your time. i am not the first to do so. why would our forefathers bother to attempt independance from Mother England in the first place? in order to achieve a new name and a new regime, we needlessly spilled the blood of thousands, and many more wasted away from cold, hunger, and any other concievable factors. even when attempts of international relations in the past, when they had a somewhat resonable and defined purpose, we opted to destroy each other. and even earlier, we believed that we should be rich and prosperous, as opposed to a more logical ideal of self-sufficiency and interdependance. even now, as the united nations consider to alienate and destroy Iraq, our home administration has labored to force others to do what we would have done anyway. i do not recognize the purpose for this, with the minor exception that american technology would probably be more effective and deadly, and would save more swiss or german or french or other nation's citizens. the very concept of a coalition is to make it easier on our own status as a population, while having an inverse effect on the populations of other peoples and races. and furthermore, if our own purpose is to destroy the Iraqi existence, surely we are not interested in, at minimum, partial destruction of allies or 'friends'...are we? this, and many other questions, have driven me not to depend on politics or policital affects. and while, as you finish this article, you may be persuaded to expand your realm of thinking, i want to be confidant in the fact that this, or any other writing, will bend your personal views and thoughts to any conclusion about anything that is not your own. in this hectic world, where there are no friends that you do not know personally, we need those who are not automatons. we will need you to repopulate the world after the cleansing we will enact upon ourselves.

survivng life in skool

Surviving Life In School

Tips for Survival
Note, these tips are not ALWAYS true.

- Most teachers are not, and will not be your friend
- No one takes "school spirit" seriously. It is purely a joke
- Except for a few fanatics, the dress code is NOT enforced
- Expect assignments to be meaningless drivel
- The school is only air conditioned in the winter
- Don't trust anyone you don't know personally
- Student council means nothing; therefore, students have no voice
- Be afraid, very afraid
- School sucks, get used to it
- The principal does NOT know what goes on
- Each class does NOT need its own individual binder
- You don't need to take gym, no matter what they say
- Stay away from: the bathrooms, lunch lines, and if possible, the building
- You are not here to learn. You are here to be turned into a mindless automaton
- It is physically impossible to do all of your homework in 8th
- It is nearly impossible to get a 4.0 in 8th(don't try, there are more important things)
- Ignore your teachers, they are usually wrong
- The statement, "You are in 8th grade/Jr. High/9th grade, so we expect more," isn't true
- Don't go into the IB program in 9th grade
- Being a fanatic is OK. Many people are and they do fine
- If you fight with the principal/teacher/vice principal, recruit your parents to fight for you
- Don't fight the gangstas. They don't know when to quit
- Make friends in all groups. This gives you what we call diplomatic immunity
- No matter what anyone says, Jr. High is not better than Elementary
- You may see Satan or other such person giving orders to teachers/principal. Ignore this. Telling people won't help.
- If you end up liking a teacher, latch on. Good teachers are hard to find.
- If you just can't take it anymore, home-school
- If you want real power, don't go to school
- Relationships of all kinds are made and broken in the same day here. Don't take them very seriously unless they last more than a week
- As a general rule(not true for everyone), Jr. High students are whining, inconsiderate, morons
- Don't write your opinions. Write what the teachers want to hear
- If you do your homework and pay attention, you get an A
- If you do some of your homework and screw around, you get an A
- Remember, you are only here for 2, maybe 3 years. It will end sometime, although it never feels like it
- Find a group. This is very conformist and sad, but this will help you. Even if the group isn't really like you, it is good to have
- Laugh your ass off. Studies show that if you laugh, you actually become happier. You will need this technique
- School dances SUCK. Don't bother going, and if you do, try not to pay if there is an admissions fee
- Get some friends in lower/higher grades than you. This gives you broader range of influence amongst the masses. If you don't have friends in different grades, you get somewhat deprived.

Dont Let Anything Slip Away

I was walking around the other day, and this lady looks at me and giggles. I thought she was ripping on my hair, clothes, or some such thing, so approached her with the classic, "Do you find me amusing?". Oddly, she said, "Yeah." I asked why, and we got talking. I found out that she was a capitalist until one zine changed her life. She TOTALLY understood me! It was amazing as she described me with perfect detail. Every bottled up fear and emotion. Every love, every hate, every passion. It was incredible. I ended up talking to her again, and I thought, "This is my soulmate!". Not to be cheesy, but it was amazing. Sadly, I haven't seen her again. This should be a lesson to all of you. Don't let ANYONE go without knowing them first. Get phone numbers, addresses, places of work, ANYTHING that might let you see a person again. Life goes faster than you can believe. Don't let it slip away, you'll regret it later.

Who Gives A Fuck

Untitled
by Habib
Who gives a fuck?
We all die anyway,
Who really cares if I were to go sooner than later?
Until then I'm stuck.
Stuck in this world of "put on a happy face" for the teachers
And parents
And the friends
And all the other fuckheads who pretend to care,
Then go and cry alone at night.

FUCK THEM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Untitled
by Habib
They tell you you need education.
You need to slave in school for your teachers so you can grow up and slave in work for your bosses.
Why do we put with it?
Why?
For the asshole oppurtunist friends?
For a life that sucks so much you feel you NEED to stand it,
Where everyday you consider how easily it would all be over with the slice of a blade?
Where depression and oppression reign supreme over both good & evil?
Why?
Why the fuck do we put up with it?
Well FUCK THEM!
I'm taking a stand!
FUCK THEM!
I dont need their pill induced happiness!
FUCK THEM!
I don't need their false affection!
FUCK THEM!
I don't need their drugs!
FUCK THEM!
I don't need their wage slavery!
FUCK THEM!
Fuck their pills!
FUCK THEM!
Fuck their war!
FUCK THEM!
Fuck their scape goats!
FUCK THEM!
Fuck the parents who can only yell!
FUCK THEM FUCK THIS FUCK YOU fuck them.

Balance Of Power

Balance of Power
By Meier Link
Darkness within me,
The darkness that I see,
Darkness of which I was birthed.
You see me,
You hear me,
There are millions think just like me.
Balance of power,
Causing the fall,
The lust that burns within us all.
You think you know,
You think your right,
But, you will doom us all with your blight.
There is no purity,
Not in this world,
Only the evil laying shrouded soon to be unfurled.
You call me different,
You demand conformity,
But, are you not the one who is different from me?
You may think we are weak,
And that you shall dominate,
Oh, the things that brew on the fire of your hate.
Soon it will end,
You will all understand,
Those who seek power will be snuffed by my hand.
You have nothing to live for,
Nothing to hope for,
So is the future that I understand.
Your time has been wasted,
On petty little feuds,
And now you are faced with new attitudes.
Your lust for old power,
Has caused your fall from grace,
And you will see a smirk upon my face.
For you now understand,
What has become true,
I was destined to be mightier then you.

We're On The Rise

We're on the Rise
-Habib
I can see you watching me
from your pristine suburban homes
What's the matter?
What makes me so different from you?
What makes you afraid to speak to me?
Just because I'm not like you
You preach of tolerance
You preach of acceptance
But do you practice it?
No.
You shut everyone out
A gay couple move into the neighborhood
You avoid them
A black family moves in
You avoid them
I am back
from my year long trip
I have changed
You avoid me
But is it really for the worse?
I came back with a mohawk,
With new views,
But, inside what's so different?
What makes you scared?
Well, it doesn't really matter
Because I have news for you
We're taking over
No longer will you be safe
from the rest of the world
in you little closed in
white suburbia.
We're on the rise
By we I mean the youth
I mean the old
I mean anyone and everyone
Who sees through the bullshit
Who thinks for themselves
We're on the rise
Better watch out

Dad

Dad
-Habib
My dad yelled at me again today
I'm grounded
I hate him
Why can't he just accept who I am?
He always tries to change me
He says he hates my music
He hates my clothes
He hates my food
It's ok
I hate him
He's just a hypocrite
I'm nearly 15
He doesn't trust me to be out after 11
I'm never good enough for him
I pull up my biology grade
All he says is "You could do better"
I get a B on my French test when I usually get D's
All he says is "You could do better"
In 7th grade I got 17 suspensions
In 8th I didn't even get a detention
All he says is "You're grades could be better"
My dad yelled at me again today
I'm grounded
I hate him